Cook like Chelle: Sidetracked Ceviche

So last night I was supposed to be cooking Poop Soup, basically a delicious vegetable soup that guarantees happiness the next day:

...and Turkey Burgers covered in Pam and McCormick Hamburger Grill Seasoning:

but since my kitchen is so large and in charge and totally made for cooking multiple items at once (note the sarcasm) I got sidetracked.

I guess I should probably back track to where I originally got sidetracked, hence the Sidetracked Ceviche. I dropped by the fantastically crappy Lincoln Park Market on my way home from work to pick up some yogurt and lunch meat since my job no longer feeds me, when a bright yellow sale sign under the imitation crab meat caught my eye. If you know me, you know how I love when meat imitates another meat... so sexy.

So, I bought the fake crab meat. I got my yogurt too in case you were concerned. I decided to make a crab ceviche. A genius idea, or just the recipe on the back of the bag? You decide.

So here goes: How to Cook Like Chelle.

Sidetracked Ceviche

Ingredients:

-1 bag o' fake crab

- lime juice (best if it comes out of a plastic bottle, to go with our fake theme)

- cilantro

- red onion

- avocado
- beer (because cooking just isn't fun unless you're drinking)

1. Remove gelatinous slab of fake crab meat from packaging. Even though it claims it's "Flake Style", it's not. Chop up into pieces with a dull knife you bought on clearance at T.J. Maxx. Place in mixing bowl, also from T.J. Maxx.

2. Chop red onion into tiny bits with same dull knife.

3. Cry.

4. Run around apartment swearing. Chug beer. Forget about Turkey burgers cooking on the stove, burn bottom, more swearing.

5.Add red onion to crab meat. Cut up avocado, smash into bowl with crab and red onion.

6. Remove impenatrable packaging from cilantro. Tear some up into tiny chunks, because that knife is a total piece of crap.

7. Add many many teaspoons of lime juice to mask fake crab flavor.

8. Enlist boyfriend to take care of soup that you completely forgot about. What a hottie!